Doctor's Jokes

Little boy at dentist's office: "I'm supposed to make an appointment."
Nurse: "Sorry, sonny, he's out of town."
Boy: "Oh thank you. When will he be out again?"

A doctor had trouble with a leaking pipe in his home. Even though it was only three in the morning, he decided to phone the plumber, who complained, "Doc, this is a fine time to wake a guy!"
"Well, you've never hesitated to call me with a medical problem. Now I have a plumbing emergency."
"... All right doc. Take two aspirin every hour, drop them down the pipe, and if it hasn't cleared up by morning, call me at the office."

"There's an invisible man in the waiting room!"
"Tell him I can't see him."

"Doctor, I've been given 59 seconds to live!" "Sit down and I'll be with you in a minute!"

"Doctor, I want to lose 20 kilograms of useless fat." "All right, I'll amputate your head!"

"I'm putting you on another diet. But this one will be a lot easier, because then you might just stick to it. Here are the rules:

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something, e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon etc.
If you drink diet soft drinks when eating chocolate, the diet soft drink cancels out any calories in the chocolate.
When eating with someone else, your calories don't count if you eat less than they do.
Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, e.g. hot chocolate, brandy.
Movie related foods such as jaffas, popcorn or minties do not add calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package.
Biscuit pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage."

"Doctor, my uncle says he wants to die!" "I'm glad you called for me!"

Overheard: "My doctor is an eye, ear, nose, throat and wallet specialist!"

"Doctor, my arms hurt, my stomach hurts, my feet hurt, my neck hurts and my shoulders hurt!"
[Doctor picks up his hammer and taps the knee to test reflexes]
"Now my knees hurt too, Doc!"

At a medical board committee meeting: "All in favour, stick out your tongue and say 'Ah'"!

"Students, notice that this patient's left leg is slightly shorter than his right. Therefore, he limps. What would you do in this circumstance?"
"I would limp too!"

Virus: a Latin word meaning "Your guess is as good as mine!"

"Can I get a second opinion?" "Sure. Come back tomorrow!"

Overheard: "The doc said he'd have me walking in no time. He was right. I had to sell my car to pay him!"

"Doctor, my ear rings all the time! What should I do?": "Get an unlisted ear!"