Family Jokes

Alarm clock: a device to wake people who have no children!

At a certain age, a man's hair starts to grow inwards. If it strikes grey matter it turns grey. If it doesn't strike anything it disappears!

It is true that children brighten a home. They never turn the lights off.

It is also true that TV causes violence. Whenever I turn it up too high, someone clouts me!

He was madly in love with her, but he couldn't pluck up the courage to propose. At last he decided to try over the phone. "Darling, will you marry me?" "Of course I will, you silly boy! Who is speaking?"

"Why didn't you say you'd marry him?" "Well he said he'd die if I didn't and I'm just curious..."

How do you stop your wife from getting nervous? Tell her it's a sign of advancing age!

I finally worked out why babies suck their thumbs. I tried some baby food.

Written in an essay about parents: "We get our parents so old that it's very difficult to change their ways."

Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their children.

"If you eat any more, son, you'll explode!" "Yes Dad. Pass the cake and stand back!"

"You dance beautifully!" "I wish I could say the same for you!" "You could, if you were as big a liar as I am..."

You can tell you're getting old when your children study in history what you used to study in current affairs.

"My wife has been nursing a grouch all week!"
"Been sick, have you?"

"Dad, how do they catch lunatics?" "With lipstick, beautiful dresses and pretty smiles!"

"A lot of people are going to be miserable when I finally decide who to marry!" "Why, how many people are you going to marry?"

"You look like a sensible girl. Will you marry me?"
"No way. I'm quite as sensible as I look!"

After hearing about how God created Eve, a little boy came in holding a pain in his side and told his mother, "I think I'm going to have a wife..."

Here is the full story of the most unfortunate person in the world:

"I was born at a very early age. When I was a boy my rocking horse died. We were so poor that I was made in Japan, and the mice ate out. We would trap sparrows on the roof, dip them in peroxide and sell them as canaries. You've heard of powdered milk - well we had powdered water. My parents always pulled tricks on me. One day I came home from school and they'd moved. My girlfriend was so ugly, she came second in a beauty contest. She was the only entrant. Some things happened to me that never happen to other people. I bought a set of snow tires and they melted. I'm the sort of person who, if it were raining soup, would be out there with a fork!"