Miscellaneous Jokes

An editor, weary of the abuse that followed his editorials, printed the Ten Commandments. A few days later came a letter, "Cancel my subscription. You're getting too personal."

Anyone nit-picking enough to write to an editor pointing out an error doubtlessly deserves the error that provoked it.

Waitress: "Looks like rain today, doesn't it?"
Customer: "Yes, but I ordered coffee!"

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.

TV Repairman: "What seems to be the trouble?"
"The newscaster has a very long face."
"So would you if you had to read the news these days!"

Teacher: "This first essay of yours is very good. May I ask who wrote it for you?"
Student: "Glad you liked it. May I ask who read it to you?"

Meteorologist (Weatherman): "Put down rain for today. Absolutely certain."
Assistant: "Are you sure sir?"
"Quite sure. I've forgotten my umbrella, my wife is having a lawn party, and I'm planning a game of golf!"

"Did you have trouble with your French when you were in Paris?"
"No. The French people did though!"

Chemistry Teacher: "Boy, what is HNO₃?"
"Oh... er... I've got on the tip of my tongue sir..."
"Spit it out quick boy. It's Nitric Acid!"

A violinist, who also fancied himself as a comedian, was to give a performance at Parliament House. On entry he was stopped by the guard, who naturally asked about the contents of his violin case. He decided to see what would happen and said, "Just a heavy machine gun." The guard looked narrowly at him and said, "That's OK, but if it was your violin I'd have confiscated it."

Then there was the boy who went to the zoo and got in trouble for feeding the monkeys. He fed them to the lions.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman were in a balloon race across the Atlantic. They were over the Irish Sea and the Englishman looked down behind and said, "Ah, my beautiful England!". The Irishman looked ahead and said, "Ah, my beautiful Ireland!". The Chinaman threw a teacup overboard and said, "Ah, my beautiful China!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did...

Teller of tall stories: "I was shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific, and lived for a week on a tin of sardines!"
Bored listener: "I'm surprised you didn't fall off!"

Same tall story merchant: "I was shut up in prison, with handcuffs on, chained to the wall, and behind a solid steel door with an enormous lock. So I manoeuvred my toe into the keyhole, and pushed real hard, and soon, SNAP!"
Listener: "You broke the lock? Just like that?"
"No, I broke my big toe!"

Carpenter: "Son, you're hammering those nails in like lightning!"
Apprentice: "You mean I'm fast?"
"No, you never strike in the same place twice!"

Scene: the HQ of the colonel of a beleagured garrison. Colonel is desperate. "Reinforcements still haven't arrived! There's nothing else for it. Major, begin Plan X!"
As the major salutes and leaves the room, one soldier asks another, "What's Plan X?"
The answer comes, "He's crossing them off his Christmas Card list!"

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it."

The young lad walked up a dark, dark driveway and onto a dark, dark porch, opened a dark, dark front door and walked into a dark, dark hallway. He looked down a dark, dark corridoor and into a dark, dark room and there in a dark, dark corner was an electrician mending the fuses.

"This restaurant must have very clean kitchens!" "Thank you sir. How did you know?" "Everything tastes of soap!"

"Landlord, those people in the flat upstairs keep banging around and making heaps of noise!" "Does it keep you awake?" "No, but it interferes with my trumpet practice!"

"How do you do?" "Do what?"

"These shoes are too narrow and pointed for me." "But they're wearing narrow, pointed shoes this year!" "Well I'm still wearing last year's feet."

I've invented a device that lets people see through walls! I call in a window!

There was a magician who was so bad he made the audience disappear...

What's that in your button hole?: A chrysanthemum.
It looks like a rose to me.: No, it's a chrysanthemum!
Spell it then!: Er... K R I S... Hey, that is a rose!

There was one who was a fanatic about smoking. If he saw someong with a cigarette, he would grab it and step on it. He eventually died of cancer in the foot.

A letter to the Weather Bureau: "Dear Sirs, It may interest you to know that I have just shovelled three feet of Partly Cloudy from my front doorstep. Sincerely Yours."

A new bartender, a weedy, undersized man, was instructed, "If you ever hear that Big John's coming to town, drop everything and run for your life. Don't stop for anything. Just run."

For a few months everything went fine, then a hefty cowboy called, "Big John's a-comin'!" and knocked the bartender down in his rush to escape. Before he could get up, an enormous man with a black beard rode into the saloon on a buffalo, using a live rattlesnake for a whip, broke the swing-doors off their hinges, knocked over three tables, threw his snake in the corner, broke the bar in half with his fist, and demanded a drink. The bartender pushed a bottle at him, and he broke the neck off and drained the bottle at one gulp. The bartender nervously asked him if he wanted another, and he roared, "Got no time! Big John's a-comin'!"

"The building's on fire! Quick, jump out the window!"
"But this is the thirteenth floor!"
"This is no time for superstitions!"

"This match won't light!": "That's funny. It did this morning!"

"I see you're putting up a new building.": "The company has a strict policy. We never put up an old one."

A helicopter pilot was lost among all the tall office buildings, so to find the airport he wrote a notice in large letters saying, "Where am I?" and flew past an office with it displayed in the helicopter's side window. He saw the building's occupants busily writing their own note, so he hung around until the reply came: "You are in a helicopter"! The amazing part was, he checked his charts and immediately set his course for the airport. His passengers asked him how he knew where it was, and he replied, "That building was the Microsoft tech-support office - their answer was perfectly correct but absolutely useless!"

A conjurer was entertaining his audience with the usual range of tricks. In the front row of seats there was the inevitable smart aleck who knew how every trick was done. The magician pulled the rabbit out of the hat, and the heckler whispered loudly, "He had the rabbit up his sleeve!", and the people all nodded appreciatively.

The magician produced three dozen eggs from the ear of a volunteer and the smart guy whispered even louder, "He has a hen - up his sleeve!"

After several more similar episodes, the conjurer got tired of it. So he said, "For my next trick, I need the loan of a watch. Will you lend me yours?", turning to the wise guy, who handed it over. "Will you allow me to hammer it to pieces?" and he nodded. The conjurer took out a heavy mallet and pounded with energy. Pieces flew everywhere. The heckler whispered, "He slipped the real watch - up his sleeve!"

The magician asked again, "Now I need a tie. Will you allow me to use yours?", and it was handed over. "And may I hold a match to it?" Permission was given and the tie went up in flames. Now the wise guy was puzzled.

"Now what about your jacket? And may I cut it into small pieces with these scissors? Thank you. And may I dance on your top hat? Good. Now, ladies and gentlemen. With this man's permission I have pounded his watch to pieces, burnt his tie, cut up his jacket and crushed his top hat. If he will now allow me to paint green stripes on his trousers I will be delighted to entertain you. Otherwise, this show is at an end."

The moral: sometimes it's better to be wise than to be a wise guy.