Religious Jokes

A pastor warned his congregation in a sermon, "Quit worrying about your money. You can't take it with you. Even if you could, it would only melt!"

I wish Noah had swatted those two flies...

A minister and a taxi driver were before Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates, and the taxi driver was admitted while the minister was not. He was outraged and complained to Peter, "But I've prayed many more times than this taxi-driver!"

"But when you gave your service, everybody fell asleep. When the driver gave his, everbody prayed!"

"Do you really believe that Jonah was in the fish's stomach for three days?": "When I get to Heaven I'll ask him."
"What if he's in the Other Place?": "Then you ask him!"

"How do you know what to put in your sermon?" "God tells me, sonny." "Well why do you keep crossing bits out?"

There were two ministers called Mr Smith in a certain town. On the same day, one died and one left to be a missionary in New Guinea. The next day, the widow was horrified to receive a telegram saying, "Arrived safely this morning. The heat is awful!"

A man was looking for a church and visited one, arriving in the middle of a prayer. He heard the minister say, "We have left undone those things we ought to have done, and done those things we ought not."

He dropped into the pew with a sigh of, "I've found my crowd at last!"

A man was at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter told him, "Sorry, you can't come in. You've told too many lies."
He protested, "Please, have a heart! You were a fisherman too!"

My favourite Bible story:

Once a man went up from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell among thieves. The thieves threw him into the weeds, and the weeds grew up and choked him. He then went on and met the Queen of Sheba and she gave him a thousand talents of gold and silver. He then got into his chariot and rode to the Red Sea. When he got there, the waters parted and he drove to the other side on dry ground.

On the other side he drove under a big olive tree and got his hair caught on a limb and was left hanging there. He hung there for many days and nights, and the ravens brought him food and drink. One night when he was asleep his wife Delilah came and cut off his hair, and he dropped off and fell to the stony ground. The children of that city came out and said, "Go on up, baldhead!" And the man cursed the children and bears came out and tore up the children.

Then it began to rain and it rained for forty days and forty nights. He went and hid in a cave. Later he went out and met a man and said, "Come and have supper with me", but the man replied, "I cannot come for I have married a wife". So he went out into the highways and byways and compelled them to come in, but they would not heed his call.

He then went up to Jericho and blew his trumpet seven times and the city walls came tumbling down. As he walked by the damaged buildings in the city he saw Queen Jezebel sitting high up in a window and when she saw him she laughed. The man grew furious and said "Throw her down" and they did. And they threw her down seventy times seven times. And the fragments they gathered up were twelve baskets full. The question now is, "Whose wife will she be at the Ressurection?"

In a sermon: "Let me illustrate the difference between fact and faith. It is a fact that I am standing here preaching. But only faith makes me believe that anyone is listening!"