School Jokes

Two reluctant schoolboys were deciding how to spend the afternoon. They decided to toss a coin. "If it comes up heads, we'll go skating. If it comes tails, we go swimming." "Right. And if it lands on its edge, we'll stay home and do our homework!"

"Why are you late again, boy?" "I must have overslept sir" "Do you mean you sleep at home as well?"

"What is the most common answer to a teacher's question?" "I don't know" "Correct!"

A stern teacher was delivering a long, dry lecture about some boring subject. (Probably botany or biology - I don't know!) About 45 minutes into the lesson, he spotted a boy reading a book under his desk. The teacher was irate. "Boy! What are you doing? Learning something, by any chance?" The boy looked innocent and said, "Oh no sir! I'm listening to you!"

Teacher: I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

After reading a piece, a student was asked to summarize it. His astounding answer was, "Sorry, teacher. I wasn't listening!"

A dreaded test proved that its bark was to not be worse than its bite by putting as question 1: "Define the universe in 25 words and give three examples..."

SYNONYM: A word to use when you can't spell the other!

A boy and his mother were watching some cowboys demonstrating rounding up calves in the old Western style. The boy shouted, "Ma! Look at them bow-legged cowboys!" His mother, embarrassed, told him, "That's no way to speak! Go study your Shakespeare and learn some proper grammar!"

The next day they were watching the demonstrations again and he said in a well-modulated voice, "Mother, what manner of men are these, who wear their legs in parentheses?"

"Teacher! Empty drink cans, used lunch bags, orange peels, broken bits of plastic, dead batteries, lawn clippings and broken bottles!" "Stop talking rubbish boy!"

"You, boy! How old do you think I am?" "About 40 sir." "How do you get to that?" "My brother's 20 and you're twice as stupid as he is!!!"

"Why are you late boy?" "I was dreaming of a football match and the game went into overtime!"

She: "Don't be afraid of him! He's just an ignorant savage and you're an educated, intelligent man!"
He: "So what should I do? Beat him to death with my diploma???"

I really hated fireman's school. The instructors all thought they were hot stuff, but I thought they were all wet. The courses were watered down and the subjects burned me up. My room-mate tried to light a fire under me, but I couldn't climb the ladder of success. So I decided to hot-foot it out of there.

Teacher: "Students, we'll use my hat to represent Mars. Is that a question up the back?"
Student: "Is there any intelligence in Mars Sir?"

"What have you been up to?": "I've been playing a guessing game."
"Didn't you have a biology exam coming up?": "That's right!"

"What's your son going to be when he graduates?" "An old man!"

"Dad, here's my report card and one of yours I found in the attic!"

The school board met to consider the following changes to the school buildings:

"Be it resolved that this school district shall have constructed a new school building, and be it further resolved that, in view of the increasing cost of materials, the new building shall be constructed of the materials now in the existing school building. Be it finally resolved that to avoid interruption of school functions the present building shall continue in use until the new school is ready for use."

"The teacher said your singing was heavenly???": "Well nearly. He said it was unearthly!"

"Professor, were you out there in all that rain?": "No, I was only in that precise portion of the rain that descended in my immediate vicinity..."