Self Diagnosis Utility

Unless you are a world-class mental-arithmetic star, you'll need pencil and paper or a calculator for help with this.

Use a stopwatch to calculate your average amount of laughter per day in milliseconds. Call this number L_AV.
Look in your diary for meetings you attend which do not contain any problems that you have to solve. Call this number M_NP.
Use a clipboard to record the number of jokes told to you over the course of a month. Give each one a rating in percentage for how funny it seemed to you at the time. Add up these percentages, multiply by 200, and call this number J_MO.
Calculate the formula ((L_AV²+4)-(M_NP⁴))/2.5J_MO. Call the result X.
Ask yourself the question "What would I do if I was to be cut off by my Internet server?". If you answer yourself, "Cry, scream and complain", take the square root of X and call it Z_C, otherwise take the cube.
Calculate the formula Z_Cx3.00x10⁸-6.67x10^-11 and call the result Y.
With a piece of black chalk, write all those numbers on a piece of black paper and burn it to ashes (they're much, much lighter to carry, you see). Then think of any whole number between 999.905 and 1000.017, and read your diagnosis in the table below.

Number	Diagnosis
Below 0	You're doing very well. You have no danger of contracting the disease, so you will be conscripted as a 24-hour personal comedian for the people who rate 1000.
0	I'm sorry, but I can't conclude anything from a rating of zero. Email me and I'll conduct a more detailed examination.
0-1	Rated A+. But I suspect you of cheating the formula.
1	You are in grave danger of contracting the disease. If you take the problem seriously, take a preventative course. Otherwise, try to laugh it off.
1-100	The early symptoms of the disease are present. You are not contagious yet, but keep an eye out for more problems.
100-1000	You are very close to having a bad case of Melancholic Pessimism. Take a course of preventative treatment NOW or else refrain from watching new serials.
1000	You are a chronic case. Prescription: total isolation from all pessimistic-type people, a strict diet of chocolate chip biscuits, a 24-hour personal comedian, and three humorous web pages per day (after meals, otherwise you might choke on your food).
Over 1000	You have had a serious case of the disease, but you are getting over it now. Take better preventative measures in future, re-diagnose every two days, and if the symptoms persist, see your doctor/comedian, or email me.