Return to HomepageWARNING: Anyone who did not score less than zero in the Self Diagnosis should not read this page for fear of contracting a bad dose.
And since I'm the only person who can claim that status, I'll only have to write this page for myself. And since I already know all about the disease, I won't have to write it at all. Isn't that convenient?
For those who really want to know (Quit worrying about your health! It'll go away!), you'll have to email me and prove that you score less than zero. Actually, if you ask hard enough and send me a URL where I can download a FREE block of chocolate or a HOT pizza, I might just tell you anyway. Good luck!
My wish of "Good luck" seemed to work. Your luck is in. I've decided to make the symptoms and details of the disease public knowledge. Here we go. Disclaimer: If you catch the disease from reading this page, just remember that I warned you!
Stage 1 occurs when the patient is first denied the pleasure of seeing a steam engine. Symptoms include pretending to chuff around the yard, increasing time spent watching suburban electric trains, and the reading of railway-related books. At this stage the disease is not particularly dangerous, but can quickly deteriorate into a serious case.
Stage 2 occurs when the patient is first forced to do a day of boring school work - biology, botany and essay-writing are the prime killers. (The legal fine print - this is where the disclaimer on the front page has effect. I personally hate those lessons more than anything else, but I am utterly alone in my opinion, unless I'm talking to like-minded people. So don't come blaming me for anything!) Symptoms include bleary eyes, great surfeit of acronyms in conversation (Abbreviated Coded Renditions Of Names Yielding Meanings), disinclination to hold pencils, and rebellion in the classroom. By this time the disease is firmly rooted, and must be cured by a full course of treatment.
Stage 3 is triggered by a sudden major shock such as the missing of the Avalon air show, loss of a Seekers CD, running out of aircraft modelling glue, or installation of Windows 98. (More legal fine print - disclaimer applies here too. Just leave me alone and limit your legal actions to laughing at me over the Internet - and please do it as quietly as possible. Up your sleeve towards your funny-bone should do fine.) Symptoms are easily spotted and well known - so I might as well not mention them here. If this happens, especially after Stage 1 and Stage 2, a major infection can set in. This is the last chance to take preventative medicine before the "emergency" condition.
Stage 4 is the emergency stage. A patient reaching this state will be a terminal case unless a full course of treatment is administered within 85 years. It is brought on by a slow undermining of the patient's sense of humour, through extreme and prolonged mental strain (like swatting at a fly and missing 1,422,237 times in a row), highly taxing physical efforts repeated several times in a day (like operating a computer mouse), a general lack of proper nourishment for the sense of humour (like attending school), or suddenly realising that however you vote, a politician wins the election. If this happens, immediately administer total isolation, strict diet (chocolate chip buscuits with strawberry jam and vegemite), and a full course of preventative medicine - this web site should do.
If all four stages of the disease are reached at once, the patient will be inclined to go into politics (poly means many, and tics are blood sucking insects). But even then don't give up. There's always hope of not dying of Melancholic Pessimism. Just take an immediate trip to the Sahara and try to die of thirst instead.